Rape Culture: A White Cis Male's Perspective

I read something on Facebook about rape culture today that for some reason hit me in a way that has me pretty shaken. It was a letter written by a woman explaining her experiences as a woman and the fear a lifetime of abuse at the hands of men has created in her. The thing that stood out to me most is the sheer volume of incidents she described and I kept telling myself this isn't every woman's experience, and it isn't, but it is way to common for me to pretend it only happens to a few women. I also wanted to tell myself I am not part of this problem, that I treat women better than that. I wish I could say that and not feel the voice inside me whispering that while I may not be a rapist and I can't recall forcing a woman to perform a sexual act for me, I can't claim complete innocence either.

I have allowed my gaze to linger on a woman to long, I have used my intimidating appearance to intimidate women, I have treated women like sex objects, and I have far to often viewed women as weak and helpless needing my male strength and protection to keep them safe from the cruel world. I have done these things and I have to fess up. I have to finally look into that horrible mirror of self reflection and see the monster for what the monster is. I don't feel very good about myself or my actions right now, and i shouldn't!

I shouldn't feel good about the way I have treated so many women. I shouldn't feel like it was okay for me to manipulate and intimidate women into bed with me, I shouldn't feel like it was okay for me to not listen to a no and "work on her" until she said yes. I shouldn't feel good about leering at women, treating women like their only role was to fulfill my sexual needs. All those things are wrong and I need to accept that I am not the heroic champion of women simply because I say things like "women are people too" or "A woman has the same rights as a man." Popping off a couple of hip phrases so I can look good does not in any way excuse my actions. In fact I don't really have any excuse for my actions.

I could make excuses, after all I have been hearing them my whole life. I have heard things like "They like it when a guy takes charge" or "You can't help it, your a guy." or "Men have been designed to be this way through evolution.". Not only have men said these kind of things like this, women have as well, but that still doesn't excuse me from my actions because I have known better for a while now and I still do it!

Every day I ogle women, every day I look at women as sexual objects, every day I expect women to take a subservient role to me for no other reason than I was born with a penis. In short, I promote rape culture every single day while I happily rage against it on facebook and around my friends. Every single day I promote rape culture when I fall into chatting with my friends about "How hot she looked in that short skirt" or "I would like to take that into my bedroom" (notice the "that" like she isn't even human). Sure I don't say "I want to go up and drag her into my room and rape her." I am not a rapist, but rape culture isn't just about the rapist. Rape culture is about how our society treats women and enables rapists and that is the message I never heard.

Not only did I not understand the message, I honestly felt I wasn't part of the problem. I have daughters and I tell them every day they are just as good as any man. I have a wife and I show her respect and love, I surely can't be one of these horrible ass holes promoting something like rape culture. Oh how I love to deceive myself, oh the ways our minds work to keep us from fessing up to a truth that is right in front of us. So here I am fessing up.

I am sure I have more than one person reading this and going "wow what an asshole!" and judging me. However, before you get all self righteous on me and pretend that I haven't seen you do the same stuff I have done. Before you get all sanctimonious and pretend just because your a woman you haven't contributed to the problem, slap yourself and take a much harder look at yourself than you have been. If your angry right now it's not because I am wrong, it's because you know I am right and you absolutely hate to admit that to yourself. I get it, but that doesn't mean you get a free pass here.

I am tired of free passes. I get a lot of those because I am a straight white cis male. I get passes for all kind of things women and minorities are judged for every single damn day of their lives. I can't stop being straight, white, cis, or male, I can't revoke my privilege. However, what I can do is use that privilege to spread the message that we need to end rape culture. We need to quit making excuses for men and their bad behavior. We need to quit pretending we are not part of the problem simply because "I am not a rapist!". Again rape culture isn't just about the rapist, it's about a culture that enables a rapist to begin with.

I don't know the best way to go about this and I know I am going to make mistakes. However, as with any problem the first thing you have to do is admit you have one. So there you have it, I have fessed up my part in rape culture. I have decided I will try to make myself a better person. I just hope that other people do the same thing.